No more stones

So today is November 7th. It is hard for me to believe that in some respects I turned 7 days old today. It is hard to believe that on November 1, I almost died because both my kidneys became obstructed at the same time and I could not pee. When I think back to last Saturday, it seems so surreal. I still remember the emergency room doctor coming in and telling me I was in acute renal failure and my creatinine levels were 10.77, far above what those who need to be on dialysis have. I remember thinking how did this happen? How did I go from having no kidney problems, to being in acute failure over night? The reality is that I will never know what caused both my kidneys to become obstructed at once, preventing me from being able to pee. What I do know is this. You ensured that all my needs were met. You sent me to the emergency room when I needed to and surrounded me with people who were able to save my life and restore my ability to pee. Two days later, my creatinine level was back down to normal and in some respects it was easy for me to think this was all a dream, but I know it was not.

Read more

No Sale!

There are nights I wake up to one of those infomercials trying to sell you something I do not need. If I am smart and realize they are not the solution to my problem, I turn off the television and roll back over and go back to sleep. However, I know there are people and times in my own life when that was not always true. There were times that I wondered if that machine, that diet plan, that whatever was going to be the solution to my problems. I used to think that about people as well.
Read more

These are my vows to me.

For the last few weeks, I have been spending quite a bit of time reflecting on the agreements I have made about perfection. It has not always been easy, but it has enabled me to release some things I did not know were still part of my agreements. It also enabled me to see how much I have grown, how much I have already discarded, and what I still need to work on. What I had come to realize is that this image of perfection sets me and everyone else up for failure. Once we are domesticated then we are not perfect for others or ourselves. Nobody is perfect in our eyes and we are not even perfect in our own. As I came to think through this, I came to a new understanding of what perfection is for me and that is love.
Read more

No more documentaries

Trying to undo all these years of internalized negativity and oppression is not always easy. I have clearly made progress in my pursuit of living the four agreements. I have made significant progress in terms of never saying anything negative about others. It seems like that was the easy part, although there are a few times when a student will say something, which I allow to get on my nerves for a moment. Then I have to stop and ask myself “why are you taking this personally, this is not about you?” This just happened to me recently and as I worked through it, I realized that I had internalized some fear from a conversation with someone a few years ago. I had to release the fear so that I could let it go. The thing I am happiest about is that I have learned how to make these moments commercials and not allow them to become full-length documentaries that take over my day.
Read more

Week 9, Day 7 – Rewarding Yourself, The Grand Adventure

The goal for today was to plan this great adventure to some place we want to go and go there. my great adventure is to go ride the ferries in New York state. I love ferries. We were to write about what permits us or doesn’t permit us to have what we want right now. We were to write down what the world of our wealth is right now. She also suggested we right about how the state of your birth, the feelings of your future, and eh wanderings of today affect and show who you are. Write what you know about rebirth in living. Write what your soulful self wants you to know. So if I were really going to have this grand adventure, I would do one of two things.
Read more

Week 9, Day 6 – Rebirth

I have been thinking quite a bit about this whole notion of life, birth, and rebirth. Life for me is the entirely of my journey from birth to death. Birth is the moment I came into this world, until then and since then I was and am a work in process. For me, the time in between birth and death I am in a constant state of rebirth, whether it be conscious or unconscious. Every moment of every day there are countless cells in my being being regenerated, so physically at the end of the day I am not the same person I was when I woke up that morning and I am not the same person I was when I went to bed the night before. The same is true in every other aspect of my self, every movement that I make in my life consciously or unconsciously which takes me to that higher place of spiritual evolution is about my being reborn
Read more