The assignments I had to choose from today were:
- Think about how you feel physically or emotionally when you are passive. When you are surrendering. Write about these different states.
- Look out your window and see what part of nature is surrendering right now. Explore what that does for the world and you.
- Imagine yourself on a swing, your arms high on the thick rope. Think of your arms as high in surrender to movement, gravity, the powers that be. What concern needs help beyond your will? How could you use prayer to help yourself?
I have found myself surrendering a lot this past year. I surrendered my pastorate slightly over a year ago. I knew I should have surrendered it a while before, but I was not initially willing to surrender it. I had to release some fears before I was ready to surrender it to the Creator and trust that all was going to be ok. Reflecting on this, I began thinking about my birth parents and how they had to surrender me to the adoption agency and my foster parents who had to surrender me to my birth parents. Surrendering is not always easy. I still have a great deal of love for the people who were and still are a part of that church, yet I knew it was time for me to surrender it to the Creator. I am choosing to believe that my birth parents loved me, yet they surrendered me to the Creator knowing I was going to be ok.
During the last week of this journey, I have come to realize there are two things I need to surrender. One is my fear of anger. When I get angry, I am able to express it with compassion. However, I have a real problem when others get angry. A part of me just wants to run and hide somewhere. I have to surrender that fear and let it go. I have had to surrender the fear that I could not walk away. I have had to surrender the fear that I can no longer protect myself. Because I love myself, I can now say I will not allow you to treat me with disrespect. I will not allow you to abuse me. I will not allow you to yell at me. This conversation is now over. Nobody has a right to yell at me and I am no longer willing to allow anybody to do that ever again. I am surrendering my fear and picking up my courage.
I am also surrendering my fear of grieving. One of the things I have come to realize this week is that I will never forget my parents. Their memories will always live within me. I can allow myself to grieve their loss, and still celebrate the memories and love they had for me.
Surrendering is not always easy. Sometimes it is what we need to do despite others not understanding. Yet we surrender anyway. Today I am committing to surrendering all that is weighing my spirit down. I surrender fear of anger. I surrender fear of grieving. I surrender fear of judgment. I love what Dr. Seuss said those who matter don’t mind and those who mind don’t matter. I surrender. I just realized that I come from a lineage of people who knew how and when to surrender. Surrendering is one of the gifts I inherited from my birth and foster parents. Thank you for the legacy.