The choices for today were:
1. Dialogue with a secret fear or trouble within yourself.
2. Make a list of daily, weekly, yearly rituals that help you organize your life and give you a feeling of continuity and predictability. For example, what are your morning rituals? What do you do at the end of the day? What holiday rituals do you have? What do your rituals say about you? What does your sprit say about the use of rituals?
3. Make a list of what difficulties you have handled well in your life. Make a list of those you wish you had done better. (I remember a friend saying she couldn’t hang in well with someone dying until the third time.) How does your life experience help you?
Well, the reality is that the ones I wanted to begin with were numbers 2 or 3. Then I had to go hmm, so you do not want to write on number 1 why. Well if I write about a secret fear or trouble within myself, then it would no longer be a secret would it. But if I write about it then I have to be honest with myself about it and I can’t keep it in one of those deep dark places where it is safely hidden and has been for a while. So it would be easier to write about what I have and have not done well or the rituals in my life, etc. but if the whole purpose of my doing this is to stir my own waters and move through stuff, then I have to break open the secret vault and not always play it safe.
So one of my secret fears is that if I lose weight, ok, let me change that, when I lose weight people might find me attractive and someone might try to abuse me again. Ok, there, I said it. I am scared of anyone finding me attractive. I mean I want to be attractive and I know Zoë loves me as I am, but I use my weight as a way of also pushing people away. You can’t get too close to me because I physically will not let you. You will never be able to rape me or sexually abuse me again because I physically will not let you.
So if I lose weight, when I lose weight. I have to change the way I say that, I also have to face that fear. But that fear is just that it is a fear, it is not love. Every time I eat food for the wrong reasons or that is not loving to my body, I am reinforcing that fear.
So what else are you afraid of?
Not so sure.
Really?
I think part of me is scared of what I might learn about myself.
And why is that scary?
Because I know who I am in the body I am in. I know who I am as fat Sharon. Who am I as thin Sharon? What is she going to be like?
Why would she be any different then who you are now?
I don’t know
Ok, so you are afraid of something you don’t even know is going to happen.
That sounds so stupid when you put it that way.
So I need you to think about this. Do you think you stopped loving yourself as you gained weight?
No.
So what makes you think you are going to stop loving or liking yourself as you get thinner.
Not sure.
Why not think about this as developing a new relationship with an ever changing you.
Hmm.
Do you remember when your mom developed her dementia and you kept developing a new relationship with her as she changed and her dementia began to take over.
Yes.
Well perhaps you can do the same with yourself.
Just take time each day to get to know you and love you for who you are.
Journey with the person you are becoming. As you evolve, keep what is working for you in you and allow that which is no longer working to fade away. What is it you always say – it’s all about the journey.
Funny.
Yup!
Now don’t forget to walk down the hallway a few times today and get some exercise.
Ok.
Love you.
Love you too J