Trying to undo all these years of internalized negativity and oppression is not always easy. I have clearly made progress in my pursuit of living the four agreements. I have made significant progress in terms of never saying anything negative about others. It seems like that was the easy part, although there are a few times when a student will say something, which I allow to get on my nerves for a moment. Then I have to stop and ask myself “why are you taking this personally, this is not about you?” This just happened to me recently and as I worked through it, I realized that I had internalized some fear from a conversation with someone a few years ago. I had to release the fear so that I could let it go. The thing I am happiest about is that I have learned how to make these moments commercials and not allow them to become full-length documentaries that take over my day.
At the same time, the part of the first agreement I have found the most time consuming part to work through is not the negative things I say about myself aloud, but those thoughts, which fly through my brain like mosquitoes. I had long ago mastered not saying anything negative about myself, but I have found that there are still those times when the voice of negativity, or old agreements buzz through and I have to catch them, squash them, and then replace them with something positive.
I am not sure I was ever aware of how many of these little agreements were hiding in the cracks and crevices of my memory. It seems as if the more I work on changing my agreements, the more these moments seem to fly into my consciousness. It is as if there is a fan blowing them out of hiding. I know I cannot ignore them because if I do, they will hang around and gain power over my life. It would be like being trapped alone in a room with a mosquito. Not a fun experience. J
So I have been learning to say I hear you, thanks for letting me know you are here. However, you can no longer live in that little room you have been living in. then I fill that space with an affirmation I am working each day to replace any agreement, which is not of love with one that is of love. My feeling is that this is going to be a lifelong process as I constantly work at mastering awareness of what I am feeling and where they are coming from.
For so much of my life, I have lived according to the dreams and desires of others. Over the last few years I have learned how to begin to live according to my dreams, not others, and according to what I know to be true, not what others have asked me to believe. Going through this transformation has not always been easy, but it has definitely been worth it.