I have lived through some scary things in my life, but today I find myself pressing through a fear unlike any I have ever known. I am not sure when it all began or that I can even explain it. It started years ago, while I was at praise and worship service at a friend’s church. They are a very energetically charged church where people dance, run, jump, and “get their praise on.” I remember thinking, as I was bouncing up and down, “gurl, you do not need to be doing this.” the next morning; I woke up in pain and had trouble walking. I barely made it to the doctor’s office and saw one of the doctors on staff who suggested I stay in bed for a few days, alternating hot and cold packs on my back and taking some pain relievers and muscle relaxers. Nothing seemed to help. Days turned into weeks, which turned into months. Surgery was scheduled and then cancelled. Scared I would never walk or drive again, I asked my doctor what more I could do. Acupuncture relaxed me and water walking seemed to help a little bit. Each day, I was getting a bit stronger, but I was not 100%. One night, my neighbor came down and said God had given her the gift of healing and was told to lay hands on me. It was not that I fully trusted my neighbor, I didn’t. After all, she was the one who would have prayer vigils with others praying that God would cure me of my sexuality. She was just starting when my friend Steve came by and he got swept up by the power of the Spirit in the room and began speaking in tongues, something I had never heard him do. As she prayed over me, I could feel this energy flowing out of me and this new energy flowing through me. Without even thinking about anything, I hopped up out of bed without my walker and went to the bathroom. It was not until I was on the toilet that I realized I had walked unassisted.
By then, it was late at night, but it did not matter. For the first time in months, I was walking without pain or discomfort. I threw on clothes, put on socks and shoes, and started walking all over the campus praising God for what I had come through. One of my neighbors, a doctor, came out, spoke to me, and told me he was happy for me, but I should take it easy. The next morning, I got out of bed, threw on my walking clothes, and stepped out the door ready to go for a walk. Then the pain returned and I barely made it back to the bed. I can’t explain how I felt at that moment. It was as if I thought I was free, only to realize there was more to this lesson, which I had to learn. I knew that healing was possible, and it would come again, but this was not my time.
Over the next several years, things began to become more challenging. I herniated a second disk in my back, lost the feeling in my right leg, and began wearing a brace on my leg so I could protect myself from falling. That along with the walker were keeping me stable and moving. Then a different pain came through me leaving me in so much pain one morning that I could not even stand, never mind take a step in any direction.
There were days that I felt like Job, as I felt my body being stripped of its abilities, and in the midst of it all, I kept thanking the Infinite for the lessons I was learning through these experiences. I thanked the Infinite for not allowing me to forget what it was like to be the least of thee. I kept and will always be grateful for all I have been blessed with during this time. I committed my life to being of service to the Infinite and to others, no matter what the price.
Over time, I got used to rolling (literally) with the flow. I stopped respecting myself physically and fighting to make sure I was treating my body with the value and respect it deserved. I am not sure it was a conscious thing, I just got used to making lemonade out of lemons and being grateful for the lemons.
About a month ago, things began to change, in my heart, my mind, my body, my soul, and even in my appliances. A person I know, who has been blessed with the Divine gift of healing, was sent into my life and was told to touch me. There was this implicit understanding, which had happened between our spirits, which knew it was okay for her to do something, which she would never do without consent. From that day forward, I began having dreams of me walking again. I would dream of taking things in and out of the oven from a standing position. I would dream of walking up and down the grocery store. I was seeing me in a way I had not seen myself for a very long time.
At the same time, those in my life were telling me I needed to release this blockage so I could fly farther and be of greater service to the Infinite. Every time one of them would mention the word grounded, I would find myself getting angry and scared. I did not want to be punished, that is what grounded triggered in me from years of my parents grounding me for inappropriate behaviors. I was scared because I thought grounded meant it would pull me away from the relationship I have with the Infinite.
Over the last few weeks, the dreams and voices have become more intense for my friend and me. I have been battling with the fear inside myself about allowing her to lay hands on me and heal me. What am I afraid of? That is the easy question. That I would experience the same sense of physical healing I did a few years ago and the next minute it would be gone. Ok, what else am I afraid of? So what if I experience a healing that enables me to walk without pain, that restores all or some of my physical health? How then do I adjust overnight to all that I have gotten used to over years?
We are not the only ones who knew things were changing in the universe. The day Zoe asked me to teach her how to make waffles, a distinct shift in energy, and our microwave stopped working without notice. My wheelchair, which has been doing fine all this time, is now having problems charging, and is moving slower then normal. It is as if even the appliances in our household are aware that things are changing and going to change and going through their own transitions to assist in the process.
So here I am thinking about all these things and feeling all this fear rising to the surface when the phone rings. I stare at the phone, not really wanting to answer it, but knowing that I should. It is a former client calling to bring me up to date on his life and tell me about someone he knows who needs to move through this fearful state. Then I hear myself giggling inside as I realize that I am telling him what I needed to hear most myself at that moment.
This fear is only as real as I allow it to be. No matter what happens tomorrow, I will be fine because I always am. It is just one more of those “scary as all get out parts” in my roller coaster journey through life. I have no control over what will happen from one moment to the next. I have no control over what will happen at any point in my life. I am going to stop feeding energy to the fear and spend the rest of this day focusing on respecting myself, having faith in the Infinite, and knowing I need to wait to worry, because right now there is nothing to worry about at this moment. I guess I will spend the rest of the night, running group and grading papers. It is just one more day of learning in my own spiritual journey.
So now it is April 27th, and I met with my friend this morning and there was this part of me that wanted to laugh when it was over. None of my fears came to be. It was a powerful experience for both of us, and I became aware that this was much a healing experience for her as it was for me. However, what I realized was that her experience with healing and my experience with healing were quite different.
A friend of mine once said that FEAR is False Evidence Appearing Real. The fear that we feel when we are going through something feels as if it is real, but it is not. Normally, I do well at remembering this. However, this time I did not remember to cut it down in time and remind myself it was false. As a result, it became larger and larger until it turned into this huge wave of fear.
The blessing in this for me, is that with my wheelchair no longer working, I am walking as much as I had told the Infinite I wanted to when I began this program with you 9 weeks ago. I am taking it easy and not overdoing it, but I am doing it and for that I am so grateful. Sometimes we all need someone or something to help us move through the fear and celebrate when we did.