Writing about my own shadows is challenging. I remember when I first became aware of the power of shadows in my life. I was watching a DVD by Debbie Ford based on her book with Deepak Chopra. She talked about how shadows are like beach balls in the water. You can suppress one, maybe two, maybe three, but then there comes the point that one more comes to you and in the process of trying to hold it under the surface all the others come to the surface.
It was more than two years ago. I remember watching this film and then this woman told her story and honestly, I cannot remember what she said, but it triggered something so profound in me that I could not stop crying for days. I could feel this wave of emotions moving through my body and pain just wanting to find its way out. It took me a while to understand that for years I had suppressed fear and feelings of abandonment from the circumstances of my birth and my near-death experience.
I had spent so much of my life suppressing all these feelings and then all of a sudden, I could not suppress them anymore. Their coming to the surface was both difficult and liberating all at the same time. I began the process of learning more about fear and writing love letters to the birth father and mother I never knew. In doing so, I realized I needed to release all this anger and hurt I had suppressed in me so I could tell them how I loved them.
Learning how to say I love you to someone I had never met or known other then to be in their womb for nine months was challenging. I also realized I had to release the guilt that came with feeling like I had almost contributed to her death as well. Neither of us died, but I know that we both changed because of my birth and the complications associated with it. At least, I am assuming she changed as well.
Moving through all this helped me to gain a deeper understanding of myself and helped me release my need to be attached to others. While I enjoy the emotional bonds I share with people, I no longer need that attachment in my life. If it were not for my grappling with my shadow, I never would have found the peace to walk in harmony with it.