If I Laugh
I woke up thinking about you
and how much I miss you
and even though you’ve been gone decades now
I still miss you with all my heart.
I have come to realize that
if I laugh,
even if it just a little bit,
it relieves the pain
that I feel when I want to talk to you.
If I laugh,
I can remember
the joyous memories I have of you
instead of the hole left
when you returned to the eternal home.
If I laugh,
just a little bit,
I can forgive myself
for the plans that didn’t work
that would have given me one more memory of you.
If I laugh,
just a little bit,
I can remember
how you taught me to laugh,
to be kind,
to have patience
and to the parts of you
which live within me.
If I laugh,
just a little bit,
I can find that place of peace
I have in my memories of you.
Sometimes when I laugh,
it is because it helps me through the grief
and leads me back to the joy.
so give me my space to heal
if you see me laugh,
even just a little bit.
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