Dear Ultimate,
Thank you for all you have been doing for me. I am not always as positive and grateful as I could be. There are days I let the fear of what almost happened during the last attempt to do a procedure on me color what might happen during this next attempt. Yes, I could have died, but I did not and for that I am grateful. Yes, putting me on the surgical table again is risky, but it is a different surgeon, a different hospital, a different team of specialists, and they have all the knowledge from what happened the last time
Yes, it is scary, but I have to remember Dr Broderick’s words that she would not put me on the table if she could not safely take me off the table alive. I have to remember that she will be able to see things because of the Ultrasound Dr who will be with her. They did not have that the last time. I have to trust her and know she is doing everything she can to find out what is growing inside me, remove it, treat it, and keep me safe.
Read moreWhen I did not, there were times that I found myself falling into the trap of being a time traveler. I would be sucked into the past and the distorted version that I had created out of my wounds. Other times, I would be sucked into the future and begin creating a distorted version of what might happen. In either case, I was not living in the present and thus not even experiencing the present moment because I was mentally, emotionally, and spiritually in another time zone.
I wanted to thank you for teaching me how to take it to the next level. So now, when I find myself reacting emotionally, I just stop and say this is what I am feeling and this is my truth. I am reacting to my truth and opening the door to my healing. I then do the healing work and then do something to celebrate the work I have done. We all have to be paid for our hard work J
Read moreThe other night, a group of us gathered to discuss The Meaning of Nice by Joan Duncan Oliver. What perhaps was the most interesting part of the whole discussion turned out not to be something anyone said, but something we all experienced – the hidden power of nice. After discussing our initial reaction to the book, we started talking intermittently about things and experiences, which were not nice and those which were. What was interesting was that when we were talking about that which we thought was “not nice,” people’s voices, postures, and body language changed. It was as if they were experiencing that “not nice” moment all over again. Conversely, when we talked about those nice moments and experiences, there was again a shift in the energy in the room. You could hear the power of niceness as people shared stories about individuals and organizations, which had been nice.
Last July, Zoe was diagnosed with breast cancer. The last year has been filled with so many nice moments it was hard to know where to begin as the wave of memories washed over me.
Read moreHave you ever thought about what the single worst thing which could happen in your life could be? if you had asked me a year ago, I would have told you I was fighting for my independence. It was a year ago this month that RGRTA moved from regular service to supplemental service, which means you virtually have no service. in real terms, it meant I could no longer leave my house by myself to go anywhere other then for a roll around the block. Every once in a while I have been fortunate enough to get a ride, but those are more of a rarity and not something I can ever count on.
Read moreI have to say I have been struggling with this word acceptance. I think in part it is because it brings me back to a time in my life when in the midst of trying to be of service, I found myself also being hurt. More honestly, allowing others to hurt me. it brought me back to a time when I allowed others to hurt me and continue to hurt me until I was able to see that I was the one who was allowing them to hurt me and found the power to leave. It brings me back to this place of feeling like a round peg in a square hole. It reminds me of all the times people told me I was too much of something or not enough of something. It reminds me that God does not say as I have accepted you, accept one another, but as I have loved you love one another. It makes me feel as if there is something I need to accept. And yet at the same time there are things I need to accept in my life. no, it is more then accepting. It is knowing.
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