I am in one of those spaces where I have to really listen to myself and the wisdom you have shared with me over the years. I have to laugh at how my body keeps doing things that are supposed to be a rarity. First, it was the dually obstructed kidneys. Now, it is having hydrops for the second time, especially given that only 3% of those with keratoconus have it once. While I am not excited about having to experience either, I am grateful that in the midst of it all I am holding on to my faith and am surrounded by people who love and support me unconditionally. Zoe always tells me how special I am, I guess I must be that you keep using my body to defy the odds.
Read moreReleasing the Shame
A few years ago, I asked you to work with me and help me continue to grow and evolve spiritually. Ever since then you have provided me with opportunities to do just that. Most recently, you have reminded me to let go of self-judgment and blame. As Don Miguel Ruiz reminded me, in his writing about the first agreement, it is important to take responsibility for my actions but I should not judge or blame myself for anything. I thought I had been doing well at this until the last few weeks when I have found myself getting angry with myself for being incontinent at times. I would feel myself, especially when tired, getting upset with myself for not being able to make it to the bathroom. Thinking about this in terms of being impeccable has helped. I have had to work at being able to say what happened, but not feel shame or blame myself for something that is out of my control at this point in time. I am so grateful for my wife who has been so supportive and understanding, especially on those days when I am tired and begin to shame myself. She gently reminds me that I am the only one who is shaming me, nobody else in our household is. It has also reminded me how important it is to be the sacred observer and question what I believe about myself to say shameful and blaming things to myself.
Read moreOne thing at a time
Today, I just want to thank you for the reminder that if I want to stay in a space of peace, I just need to do one thing at a time. I do not need to be thinking about the list of things I have created for myself, many of which I have come to realize I really do not need to do. If I am spending time thinking about everything, then I am not able to accomplish anything. As I remember realizing years ago, I cannot be in a state of peace if I am trying to multitask. The lesson came to me about three years ago when I came across a quote that said, “When walking, walk. When eating, eat.” I remember laughing at the time because I was trying to drink my morning water, eat breakfast, check my email and FB all at the same time.
Read moreNo more breakins
Recently I was reminded of a quote from the book A Course in Miracles that said, “Giving of yourself to the point of sacrifice makes the other person a thief” while reading a section of Iyanla Vanzant’s book Until Today! I like quotes like this because they help me to re-visualize a behavior in a way that makes sense. It reminded me of two of my older blogs, No More Whips and No More Poison. I would never volunteer to whip myself but every time I say or think something negative about myself, I am whipping myself. Every time I internalize something negative from others or myself, I am ingesting toxic beliefs that poison my system. So it makes perfect sense to me that every time I give up something that is important to me, I am allowing someone to come in and steal an integral part of who I am.
Read moreNo more stones
So today is November 7th. It is hard for me to believe that in some respects I turned 7 days old today. It is hard to believe that on November 1, I almost died because both my kidneys became obstructed at the same time and I could not pee. When I think back to last Saturday, it seems so surreal. I still remember the emergency room doctor coming in and telling me I was in acute renal failure and my creatinine levels were 10.77, far above what those who need to be on dialysis have. I remember thinking how did this happen? How did I go from having no kidney problems, to being in acute failure over night? The reality is that I will never know what caused both my kidneys to become obstructed at once, preventing me from being able to pee. What I do know is this. You ensured that all my needs were met. You sent me to the emergency room when I needed to and surrounded me with people who were able to save my life and restore my ability to pee. Two days later, my creatinine level was back down to normal and in some respects it was easy for me to think this was all a dream, but I know it was not.
Read moreSpeaking with Integrity
Dear God,
I am grateful for this month of reflecting on my own worth. In doing so, I have been reminded of how important it is to me to speak with integrity. It reminds me of a conversation I had with a colleague recently about knowing when to allow myself to speak and when I need to breathe love into my being and remember the Sufi teaching about the questions I must answer before speaking. Is what I want to say truthful? Is it necessary? Is it kind? It parallels the teachings of Toltec Wisdom and don Miguel Ruiz about being impeccable with my word. When I speak with integrity, I am only saying what I mean and when I combine it with the Sufi teaching; I know that how I say what I mean also comes from an intent of love.
Read moreI am not a victim
Dear God,
I would like to thank you for the reminder that everything, which happens in my life, is for the good, even when I do not realize it now. Others may look at my life and see the trials and tribulations. I look at my life and give thanks for all you have done for me. I have actively chosen to believe that you do not do things to me as some form of punishment, but for me as a tool to help me grow and continue to be of service. Yes, I have had others say hurtful things to me, but you have taught me that their words are about them, not me. Yes, I have had others abuse me, but their pain, which they targeted towards me, is about them, not me. It is only about me if I believe it is about me and as you have taught me through the teachings of don Miguel Ruiz. The words and the language I use have power and I choose to use words that create positive realities and energy. It is through my word that I create and this power to create is a gift you bestowed on me.
Read moreTo my birth father
Dear God,
I just wanted to take a moment to thank you for blessing me with Thich Nhat Hanh’s book Fear: Essential Wisdom for Getting through the Storm. I am not sure what I was expecting when I began this book, but I am so grateful for all that is helping me to release and the wounds that are being healed along the way. One of the things he pointed out was that whether we are physically connected to or want to be connected to our ancestors, we are. We need to heal the wounds we have inherited as part of our legacy. One of the things he suggested doing was writing letters as a form of meditational practice to our ancestors and parents. As I thought about this, I realized I had written letters to my parents before and after they made transition. However, never in my life have I written a letter to my foster parents or to my birth parents. Even though I will never meet them, at least not in this realm, I am still connected to them and in their own ways; we will always be connected. So today, I am going to begin with the one that might be the hardest, the letter to my biological father. I am not even sure how you write a love letter to someone you never knew and are not even sure you ever met or ever say me. However, I am going to do my best
Read moreMy Umbilical Cord
The last few days I have been feeling as if I was entering a different state of being and have not been able to figure out where this shift is coming from. Then I remembered that this is October, the month where my body remembers to grieve the loss of my god-daughter, the leaving the adoption center, the birth into my family, the severing of yet one more umbilical cord in my life and the creation of another one.
Reading Thich Nhat Hanh’s book on fear has reminded me how you have always been my umbilical cord. When it was time for me to leave the safety of my birth mother’s womb, you were there to protect me. You brought me into your utero for just a moment while they worked on saving my human life and the life of my birth mother. Even when my spirit returned to my infant body, my umbilical cord to you remained attached. When I was moved to the foster home, my umbilical cord to you remained attached. When I was brought to the adoption center, my umbilical cord to you remained attached. When my parents adopted me, my umbilical cord to you remained attached.
Read moreSit there!
It seems like most of my life I have been told don’t just sit there, do something. As a result, I have become the just do it girl. I was the just do it girl long before Nike ever coined that slogan. So it was interesting this morning that I received yet another confirmation that I need to reverse the lesson I was taught as a child. As Sylvia Bookstein said, “Don’t just do something. Sit there.” I have been getting this message that I need to be intentional about taking time each day to just sit, do nothing, and spend time with myself.
So this is my new behavior to work on making a part of my life – doing nothing. I am sure Zoe is going to laugh when I tell her I am going to work on doing nothing for at least 10 minutes a day. Doing nothing and just sitting here does not mean I sit and play a computer game or I sit and talk with her. Doing nothing and sitting here means I spend that time with myself, having those conversations with myself and the Ultimate that I somehow think I can avoid, when I know that I really cannot avoid myself or the Ultimate.
Read moreSomewhere
One of my favorite songs is from the Wizard of Oz, Somewhere over the rainbow, as it reminds to dare to dream. It inspired me to write a poem of my own.
Somewhere over the rainbow
way up high
are the dreams that I dream of
As I walk in the light
Somewhere over the rainbow
where the angels fly
are the visoins I dream of
experiencing them in the light
Sometimes I dream of falling asleep and
waking up on a pillow of clouds
where the struggles are beyond me
Sitting on a cloud of peace
with the warmth of a blanket made of fleece
On the day I was born.
Dear God,
As I finished reading Doreen Virtue’s book, Assertiveness for Earth Angels, I found myself thinking back to the day I was born. It was, as you know, not an easy time for my birth mother or me as we both almost died in childbirth. For the longest time I blamed myself at some level for the challenges she went through. At the same time, I missed the experience of feeling welcomed into the world and spent a good bit of time in my life feeling as if I just was not good enough. It was as if I blamed myself for not being Jewish enough for my birth mother and her family to keep me, not being black enough for my birth family and his father to take me. Then when I was finally adopted, I battled to feel Jacobson enough next to my brothers who were biologically my parent’s children. I remember my brother once telling me I was not a real Jacobson. I have had to work at releasing those feelings and realize that the near death experience I had as an infant was a central and key part of my life and of who I am today.
Read moreThank you Ghandi!
This morning began like any other morning until I turned the page on my calendar. Then I began reading my quote for the day from Mohandas Ghandi, which read, “If you do not find God in the next person you meet, it’s a waste of time looking for him further.” I had to sit with this one for a while because it brought me back in time to when I was taught this lesson before. I wish I could remember who it was or what it was that taught me that I must look for the Divine in every person I meet. I think it was related to a lesson I learned while reading The Mastery of Love by don Miguel Ruiz who reminded me that if I cannot love everyone unconditionally, then I cannot love anyone unconditionally. It is a similar lesson. If I cannot see the Divine in someone, then I have to spend more time with them and look deeper into who they are to see the light hidden within them.
Read moreTrust and obey
Lol. Well it is nice to know that people miss my blogs when I do not write them. It has been less than a week since my last blog and I got a few emails from people who wanted to know if I was okay. Those made me feel loved. When I write, I do it for me and sometimes even for the trash can so I do not attach others responses to what I write. It is for me and if it does some good in the world, then bless it. If not that is ok too.
The last few days have been a journey in faith. They have been a reminder of the importance of doing two things in my life trusting and obeying. Trusting and obeying the leadings of spirit even when they do not make sense to me personally. The one regret I have this week is that I did not listen to my intuition and not wear my brace to school on Tuesday. However, I did trust and obey from that point forward. I think you were trying to prevent me from incurring the wounds that I got from my brace rubbing against all the bug bites that I got while near and in the compost the past few days. I didn’t obey you then and so came home to infected welts all over my leg, which I have never experienced and my leg seemed twice as big as normal.
Read moreTwo birds, a frog, and me
This morning I woke up to this quote on my calendar that took me a moment to think about. It said, “One day Dong-shan was washing his bowl, and happened to see two birds fighting over a frog. A monk also saw this and said, “Why does it come to that?” “Only for your benefit,” Dong-shan said.
I know very little about Dong-shan and perhaps one day I will learn more about him, but this story seemed to resonate with me. In part because the way he answered the question reminded me of how I tend to respond to my students, always with another question or a statement, which will make them, think at a deeper level.
Read moreWhat I know
The other day I challenged my readers to think about what they know, not what they believe, but what do they have that deep knowing about, that unshakable faith about. After having put that out there for people to think about, I realized I needed to do the same. I needed to articulate what I know, not what I believe. Today, this is my intent, to begin to articulate what I know and pray that the words exist to help me explain the unexplainable.
One thing I know for sure is that there is an Ultimate Consciousness in the Universe and regardless of what one believes, the journey one is on, or what one even calls this source, it exists. To discuss how one calls upon this source is something I choose not to do. It is as productive as discussing whether one calls a carbonated beverage soda, pop, coke, etc. What is important, for me, is that one acknowledges one’s source. How I have called upon this Divine source has changed over time in my life and still changes depending on whom I am speaking with about the Divine.
Read moreIt’s a faith thing
Last night, at our 4-year anniversary celebration, someone asked me how all this began. I could feel this little smile creeping up from inside me going, “it’s a faith thing.’ I would like to say that it began four years ago, but when I am honest with myself, I realize that I began manifesting this ministry years before I resigned from my pastorate. I remember having a conversation with a colleague who asked me what I would really like to do and I remember saying that I wanted to work with people who want to grow and evolve spiritually. I think that is when I first manifested this into being. When I told the Ultimate this is what I wanted to do, the Universe began to put everything in place for this to happen. However, one of the things that I came to realize is that I could not create this ministry while I was still pastoring and so things began happening to help me make the difficult decision to leave. While I will always care and pray for the congregation I left behind, the minute I announced my resignation I felt this wave of light and energy sweep through me from the crown of my head to the soles of my feet.
Read moreIt’s self-reflection time!
I just have to say that sometimes I am much better at following the four agreements than others. It seems that most of the time I am impeccable with my word, I do not take things personally, I seek clarification and don’t make assumptions and work to always do my best. Then there are those moments, whether it is because of a super moon, a total eclipse of the sun or that we are in some planetary retrograde. There are those moments when, for whatever reason, I forget and take something personally.
When this happens I know I am not upset with the person who said or did whatever, I am upset with myself because I allowed myself to take it personally.
Read moreJust say thank you!
So today, I just want to thank my Bubby for teaching me how to seek out the gratitude in all situations. This message has been hitting home for me repeatedly this week. Each day, as you know, I start off the day with five things I am grateful for that day and then before going to be tell Zoe one thing about her I am grateful for or one thing she did for which I give thanks. My Bubby used to tell me that if I could see the positive in any situation, then I am going to be okay. Just say thank you for the gift, she would say. Hmm, I wonder if she said the same thing to Meister Eckhart, or if at least spirit conveyed those same words to him. He once said something similar. He said, “if the only prayer you said in your whole life was “thank you,“ that would suffice.” At the end of each Oneness Blessing gathering, we take a moment to say, “I am blessed, and full of gratitude. Today, my affirmation was “my life is blessed, and I am so grateful.”
Read moreCan the eye see itself?
I read this quote recently by Janet Jiryu Abels that said, “You can’t face yourself or turn away from yourself because you’re it. What do you need to understand? Can the eye see itself?” So today, I just need to sit with that because I am it. I guess it is as I wrote about the other day; I have to be at peace with what I do understand and what I don’t. As don Miguel Ruiz say, “it is what it is.” We are not to make any more or less of it then it is. I am who I am. I am exactly who I am supposed to be at this very moment in time. I am it.
Read more