For the last few weeks, I have been reading Pema Chodron’s book Taking the Leap. It is about releasing old habits and fears. There is a section in her book when she talks about unconditional friendliness with ourselves. it is about changing the way we think about things. rather then seeing things as a burden, we need to see them as a gift. Rather then punishing ourselves for something that has happened in our lives, we can begin to focus on the lessons learned. Are we looking at the negative aspect of a situation or the positive. it is amazing how we keep ourselves living in a state of suffering and drama rather then choosing a mindset that allows us to live in a state of evolution and grace.
Her reflection on developing a deeper relationship with one’s self reminded me of an epiphany I had once while reading Don Miguel Ruiz’s book, The Four Agreements. The drama in my life was because I had internalized other people’s lies and judgments about me. I had forgotten to reject that which was not of love and began to believe it. I began to focus on how I was too much of something or not enough of something. I lost sight of the understanding that the Creator created me to be just who I am, a reflection of the Creator who is love. I had stopped seeing the image of love that the Creator created me to be and now found myself seeking to be other people’s image of perfection. The problem was they are not the Creator. The more I tried to find that unconditional love for myself through others, the more I found myself listening to other people’s lies and judgments.
Then I decided to spend some intentional time rejecting the lies I have internalized and replacing them with affirming truths. What I began to realize is that when I stopped believing other peoples stories and lies, I began finding a peace and balance in my life that I had not experienced in a long time. I realized that I was allergic to drama; it brought out the worst in me and often times made me feel as if I was experiencing hell.
When I moved away from the lies, the judgments, the negativity, I found peace coming back into my life. I started to realize when those negative voices were coming in and stopping them in their tracks. Over the last few weeks, they are becoming more like annoying commercial interruptions, then a full episode or a full-length movie.
The day I told myself that I loved myself just as I was, I took a loaf of bread and a cup of wine and I broke communion with the Creator and gave thanks for choosing me to be a reflection of love. Then I thanked the Creator for blessing me. I gave thanks for surrounding me with people who said good things about me and removing from my life those who were not. I gave thanks for giving me a new set of ears that were only willing to hear words of love and were now deaf to the lies and hatred of others. Then I thanked the Creator for breaking me open and allowing me to grow through the pain and back into the reflection of love I was created to be. I gave thanks because all the broken places in my life, all the wounds, became a blessing as my embracing it has begun the process of restoring me. Finally, I gave thanks, for being able to give again and for the humbling words that came to me in the middle of the night as I once again heard the Creator whisper in my ear – You are my daughter, in you, I am well pleased.