The choices for today were:
1. For ten minutes, write about why it’s hard for you to speak freely. Not list the times when you did. What about the situation allowed you to do this? How does speaking up affect your spirit?
2. Just as you might chant for rain, write a chant for better self-love, and show this love by expressing your truth. Use this phrase in a repetitive way throughout the chant. I’m moving on. I’m moving on.
Funny, all I can hear in my head is the song I can see clearly now, but with new lyrics.
I can see speak freely now, the fear is gone,
I can see all obstacles in my way
Gone is the fear and insecurity that had me scared
It’s gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright)
Sun-Shiny day.
I know I can make it now, the pain is gone
All of the bad feelings have disappeared
Here is the rainbow I’ve been prayin’ for
It’s gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright)
Sun-Shiny day.
Look all around, there’s nothin’ but blue skies
Look straight ahead, nothin’ but blue skies
I can see speak freely now, the fear is gone,
I can see all obstacles in my way
Gone is the fear and insecurity that had me scared
It’s gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright)
Sun-Shiny day.
Where did the insecurities come from, not sure I know, not sure they just appeared over night, more like this gradual accumulation of internalized messages. It is kind of like that analogy I made once about a coffee cup. When we are born, we are like this brand new coffee cup, but the longer we have it the more we notice the stains and the little tiny cracks and chips and imperfections that gather over time. It is not that the cup went from one condition over night to another, it just happened and then when we begin to see or more appropriately own our stuff then we can begin to do something about it, or at least choose to do something about it.
I think for the longest time, I ate my feelings. I ate my words. I was scared to speak what I was feeling because of a fear of abandonment. I was afraid people would not like me if I said what was in my heart. It was not that I wanted to say it in a non-compassionate way, but I had this fear that nobody would like me, so I stayed quiet. Then there was this whole internalization of the idea that I was stupid. I think that feeling really was reinforced for me by a professor I had while I was doing my doctoral studies who questioned how I had gotten into graduate school. She wanted to know who I had slept with in order to get accepted and told me I had a brain the size of a pea. See confirmation. I remember thinking that. Shocked that she would say that and hurt.
The response of the department when I spoke up and out was confirmation about being silent. Nothing. The department where she taught said nothing. Thank you for letting us know I was told. Nothing.
Funny, I am just realizing that my doctoral studies were a time when I both learned to speak out and to be silent. I remember my oral comps and how when I walked into the room I felt as if there was this can by the door that said empty brains here and I did. The first question they asked me was what my favorite pizza was topping. And I could not answer that question. It was a downward slide from there. Hell, I could not even answer questions about things I had written myself. So sad. And all I could think when I left was see – now I proved to you how stupid I am.
And my chair said, ah not so fast – I remember when she called me in and said ok, your pity party is over. We are not sure what happened, but we know you are so much smarter then you showed us, so we are going to move you forward to work on your dissertation, but fix the leaks in your ship before the next oral. Then she told me there was one stipulation. I had to go talk one on one to everyone on my committee. It was one of those moments I hated her so much. Damn, why are you not failing me, why are you making me press through my fears. Do I hate her now – no – I love her dearly and if I had to go through the doctoral process with her again, I would. She taught me an invaluable lesson in my life. You can run, but you cannot hide. Face your fears head on and move through them. Otherwise, they will haunt you for the rest of your life.
I learned that speaking up is liberating. It means I do not have to carry the burden of whatever it is in my heart and allow it to weigh me down.
For a few years, I found myself silencing myself. I really did not want to speak out – again out of fear. And when I stop and think about it, it was again fear of abandonment. I was afraid that if I spoke the truth about what I was feeling about how I was treated, I would be abandoned. What I did not realize is that my staying in this relationship out of fear was also giving my consent for others to continue to abuse me. And then I reached the point that I said enough is enough. The abuse reached a level that was unacceptable for me and I said no more. And when I called my abuser on it, the abuse got worse and so I began using my words and speaking out and saying this is not ok. The abuse again got worse. So I used my words one more time in that relationship and I said it is over.
The moment I said goodbye was the single most life changing moment in my life. When I said goodbye to the situation that I had allowed to slowly kill me, I said hello to life. I said hello to a new relationship with my self, with others and with my Creator. I said goodbye and I said hello. I know why I said goodbye and hello. I said bye and I said hi. Oh oh oooooooooh. I said goodbye and I said hello.