My New Story

So here I am at 4:47 am, unable to sleep, and I am not sure why that is. Perhaps because I was thinking about how much I have agreed to accomplish today. Perhaps because I wanted to take advantage of this quiet time when Zoe and the cats are sleeping, the phone is not ringing, and the computer is not telling me I have mail. Lol. I do love these quiet moments where I feel the freedom, quiet, and space to write letters to myself. It is as if somebody has put me this do not disturb sign on my life. 

It was strange for me to read what I wrote to myself last week. I think I needed to write that for me because it prepared me to face a situation with courage this week, which was about putting me back in the spotlight – well maybe not the spotlight, but the physical classroom five times a semester. It meant that I had to push myself pedagogically from teaching solely online to teaching my first hybrid class and facing my fear of the unknown. I had never done this. How can I do this? How am I going to get to campus? The list of how am I going to do this questions seemed to flow through my mind and for a moment I felt this wave of panic and fear and then I had to remember to breathe and know it was all going to be ok. I would make it work. The obstacles would be removed and the new beginnings would be revealed.

Then it made me wonder, what else is fear holding me back from. So do I lie to myself and say nothing. That defeats the purpose of this work doesn’t it. Therefore, what is fear holding me back from. Moving for one, that fear of physical pain, the fear of having to leave my ashram and the peace I have in this space, the fear of being in the spotlight, and the fear of being as successful as I say I want to be.

So what fear would I most like to work on first; I think it is the fear of moving. In my head, I know this is a vicious cycle, the less I move the more painful it is when I do move. So the more I move through the pain, the less pain I will feel over time. I just need to do my best and make wise decisions about how far and how often. There are times my body tells me it is time to move, but my head says in just a few minutes let’s finish this project first. Sometimes it says, I don’t think you can make it to the bathroom on time if you use your walker, so let’s just ride there. Sometimes it is as if I set myself up to fail. My body says let’s go, but my head says let’s finish this first and then by the time I am done, I have to go so bad that I really could not make it in time with my walker. This is so stupid and so needs to stop and the only one who can stop it is me. I am the solution to my problem.

So here is my new story that I am going to choose to live by. I can walk up and down the hallway at least once every 90 minutes and when I do, I will make a pit stop by the bathroom. This way I will never have to worry about whether or not I can make it because I am removing that fear from my life. I will show myself that I have the power. I have the ability to strengthen my legs, my back, and my physical well-being. I just need to listen to Beyoncé and move my body.

I know I have been lying to myself because when I do I feel this parasite eating away at my integrity. Sometimes I think about how it is like a termite just eating away at my sense of self and my authenticity. When I envision my life without this fear, I feel kind of like the pest killer. There is this sense of empowerment as I realize I allowed you into my spirit and I have the power to remove you. I no longer want you in my life. 

So why am I ready to change my story and work through this fear now? Because I have been telling the Divine I want to do this and so now the lessons are coming into my life to help me. I am ready to change because it is the one area in which I know I have not been doing my best and where I know I can do better. So rather then focus on what I cannot do and think about how things are going to hurt when I move, I am going to begin to think about how awesome my body is going to feel. I am going to think about how great it is going to be not to use my wheelchair as much and how awesome the journey is going to be as I am able to move further and easier without it. So today, is the beginning of a new story, the old one is getting flushed down the toilet on my next trip there.