I have now spent a month reading and thinking about transformation and it seems like there are a few areas I need to continue to work on transforming in my own heart and brain. One is how I define success. There are days that I know I am successful because I am clear I am doing what I am supposed to be doing in and with my life. Then there are those moments when Zoe has to pull my head out of my ass because I feel like a failure.
Those moments seem to come when I start to evaluate my life based on the ideals of others and when I have not been giving myself my daily affirmations. I have to be intentional everyday about affirming myself. I cannot depend on anyone else to give me those affirmations. Being self-affirming has to be intentional and some days I fall back in those old habits of beating myself up instead of building myself up. Sometimes I fall, but then I get back up again and affirm myself for being able to do so. Read More
I have been really sitting with these questions for a while, not sure where I wanted to start. But then life kind of answered that for me. I was going to waif for my friends to tell me who I am, but I had a challenging situation today. Well let me say I had a situation today that I allowed to become challenging. I got a letter from the local paratransit agency today informing me that my doctor had not answered one of the questions on the recertification forms, so tomorrow 12/31/2010 will be my last day of services until all the information is received and re-evaluated, which can take up to 3 weeks. Let me just say that my initial feeling was not happy happy joy joy. I couldn’t even get a paratransit ride to take me to the doctor’s office, who by the way is out for the holidays until Monday if I wanted to today. So grateful for my wife, who lovingly offered to take the forms up there and then advocated on my behalf when they started to point out all the information I had failed to give them. So what did I learn about myself today besides I have great taste in partnersJ. I do love my wife. I learned that I could express my anger in a loving and compassionate manner. I am not sure that I really learned anything new, but realized at a more conscious level how much I value my independence. There is a real difference for me between not leaving the house or using my services, and not being able to leave the house because I do not have services. I came to realize how much I enjoy going out and being in the world and knowing my home is a place I come back to and experience love. I learned that I could think clearly in the midst of crisis. I also learned that I could speak and act more out of love for myself and what I needed, then out of fear and frustration around the situation. I could tell that they wanted to come out and take control, but the love part of my personality kept them under control. Read More