Last night, during our living the five agreements group we began talking about Bryon Katie’s book “Loving What Is: Four Questions that will change your life.” For me, her “The Work” is similar to what Toltecs call stalking. As I was sharing one of the stories about relationship from her book, I came to realize that I have to accept that my son is growing up. As much as he will always, in some respects, be my little boy. He, in reality, is now a 32 year old man who is developing his own way in the world and no longer needs to talk to me as often as he once did. I realized I have had to let go and let him grow. He will call when he needs to talk to me and I will call when I need to talk to him.
Nick came into my life when he was 10 and until recently he would call at least weekly. Now, he has entered this new phase in his life and calls about once a month or every other month
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other day I was going through some of my old poetry and found a poem I had
written years ago, actually more like decades ago. I called it Afraid. I am not
sure why it spoke to me. Perhaps it is because a friend asked me the other day
what I am afraid of. So that question amongst others is what I have been
meditating about this week. Sometimes I wish my brain would not be so deep and
reflective, but that is how I am choosing to be at this time in my journey.
Read moreSo today was field trip day. We were to go wherever we wanted to go today and observe the buildings, the people, the weather, and anything else that caught our interest. We were to notice what we were drawn to and what we learned in the process.
Ok, so here is the thing. I have begun to notice that whatever I am “assigned” to write on that day is what I really need to write about at that time in my life. So Tuesday’s are my busy day with school and this Tuesday was no different. I was gone much longer then I would have liked, but it was all good. Well except for the weather, as we prepared for the “blizzard” of 2011. In some respects, there has been this kind of emotional blizzard going on in my life around liftline, so the bitter cold, snow, and wind in the weather kind of matched some of what I was experiencing and like the blizzard,
Read morewell as I have spent a good part of today in my head thinking about love and myself and what I am doing and not doing for myself out of love I guess I know where I am heading here. I think the most amazing gift of love that I have given myself recently was making the decision that I would no longer allow anyone, including myself, to abuse me. I had an epiphany that others could only abuse me because I was allowing them to and they were only treating me as well or unwell as I was treating myself. The worse I treated myself, the more I allowed others to abuse me. Then there was this day that someone pushed the envelope and abused me in a way that was just not ok. I remember that day as if it were yesterday. It was the day I stood up and questioned my abuser and they came at me with everything but the kitchen sink.
Read moreThere are days that I feel like I am constantly repeating this mantra – don’t take it personally gurl, that is about them, not about you. I found myself chuckling while I was reading the preface to this weeks section when she talked about this woman who “wore her heart on her sleeve.” All of a sudden, I heard a teacher I had briefly this past summer saying the same thing about me. “you greet the world with your heart” she said, “and that is not healthy.” I found myself feeling so shamed for a moment because it felt as if she was saying to me “you are not healthy.” Yet at the same time, I think it is that I am who I am at all times, that others tell me makes them feel as if they can trust me. Are there those who consider me weak – probably? I have ovaries and will stand up and speak out when I need to, but I also think that people should be supported in solving their own problems and challenges. I see it as disrespectful when I try to “fix things” for others as if I am saying “let me do this for you because I know you can’t” and that is not what I want to say.
Read moreThe minute I saw this picture, I found myself at peace. I have always felt drawn to pictures of mothers and children. It is not so much that it reminds me of anything in my own life, at least not that I can remember. Maybe that is it. Maybe it is that it reminds me of what I have read about my foster parents and how they used to play with me. It reminds me of being connected to something bigger then me. It reminds me of my relationship with the creator. We are connected. I am part of something bigger then myself, and in some respects, I have my own unique identity, but there is something that connects us. I have never known my birth or foster parents, but there is a connection between us that nothing can separate.
Read moreI am not so good at creating little ditties, I generally say gurl count your blessings. But I do have this song that carol king sang that I just love. It reminds me to press on because as long as I have my relationship with the Creator then everything is going to be ok. It is called Pocket Money by Carol King. I had to look up the lyrics. It’s funny; I used to sing this song in the 1970’s when she first recorded it. It has been one of those songs that I have sung in my head and to myself for almost 30 years now. Not sure what it is about the song that speaks to me. Maybe it is the reminder that it is all about perspective. no matter how bad I think things are for me, I know somebody else is going through some thing just as challenging, if not more so then me.
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