Leave
Embrace
Travel
Internal
Transformation
Guidance
Oneness
And The Little Boy Said
We all go through rough times in life. It is easy to want to blame others for our situation, but it is not about others, but ourselves. I keep learning and relearning that when I blame others, it just keeps the sadness and negativity in control of my life. The longer I hold on to my negativity and sadness, the more of my joy and wealth I give away. Sometimes we just need someone to help us refocus.
Decades ago, I worked in a summer camp and had a little boy named Mikey. He was learning how to be away from his mom for the first time in his life. He would come in crying and I began playing this game with him to redirect his energy. I would say can you make a monster face and he would. How about a sad face and he would and before you knew it he was okay and then we could go play with the other kids.
One day we were playing the water when I realized I had lost a piece of jewelry that I never took off. It brought tears to my face and no matter how hard I tried I could not stop the tears from rolling down my face, and then this little boy gave me a gift I will never forget. I tried to capture this in a poem about us and this experience.
Read morePouring Libations
One of my favorite theologians is Henri Nouwen. His writing is simplistic, but powerful. He brings you into his life and allows you to walk with him in his life through every possible emotion. You learn, cry, laugh, feel compassion, and grow with him in his and your own journey. The last few years have been hard for me and for my family. I have had to say good bye to over thirty friends, acquaintances and loved ones.
There are days I have wondered if I would ever stop grieving. I still wake up some mornings wishing my parents who transitioned in 2001 and 2005, my first two funerals, were still here. Sometimes I just want to pick up the phone and call them. There is not a day that I look at our prayer and meditation garden and do not think of my friend Laura who committed suicide about 18 months ago. She helped us move so much dirt into that garden and planted a butterfly bush, which stayed green in the snow when she passed over. Losing so many people the last few years has reminded me of my own mortality.
Read moreBecoming the Tree
Dear God,
I know you never put more on us then we can bear, but this year has been filled with challenges. If I had to pick a word for that I have learned this year, it would be tenacity. I have learned to have the determination to rise about difficult circumstances. It does not mean it has been easy, but I am making myself rise. I am finding the strength within myself to keep on going.
There have been days when I felt so deeply and did see my own strength, but I would remember to release the fears that were obscuring my vision. You found your way of reminding me to be like the Tree of Heaven, the tree Betty Smith wrote about in her novel A Tree Grows in Brooklyn. She wrote, “Look at everything as though you were seeing it either for the first time or last time. Then your time on Earth will be filled with joy.”
Read moreThe Earth
The earth births spring
The earth births summer
The earth births fall
The earth births winter
The earth has gone through trials
The earth has gone through challenges
The earth has endured
The earth keeps birthing
The earth inspires me
The earth keeps me growing
The earth inspires me to endure
The earth reminds to give birth
The earth is the earth
The earth is I am
The earth is me
I am who I am
Through the Storm
Drawn into the depths of despair,
you pulled me to the safety of your arms.
You have always rushed to save me
When you have heard me crying out for you.
When you hear my cries of helplessness,
You come.
You are the cure to my pain.
You send your loving energy,
where the healing is most needed.
You remind me your healing powers surround me
It is just that sometimes I do not hear them
because my ears are filled with cotton.
I do not see them,
Because my blinders are on
You are never far away,
Walking within me,
You hear the smallest of my wimpers.
You always know when I need to nurse
On your milk of love and grace
Like a child, you always know when
I am craving you
My Theme Song
I remember growing up being taught that my name was a legacy. I was told my name was changed to Sharon because my parents wished for me to become progressively happy in my life. My Hebrew name is Sarai Bella, which means beautiful princess. This was the legacy I was given when my family named me. Consciously or unconsciously, this seems to have become a part of my life. Each day I find myself moving to a greater and deeper level of happiness. Perhaps it in this same sense that I am growing into the calling of nobility that was prophesied for me when I was adopted into my family.
I have been thinking a lot about this today because I was recently asked a similar question. What is your theme song? See it is one day for others to prophesize about you with your name, but when I adopt a song as my theme song or am given one by someone else, it has the same effect. As far as I know, nobody has ever given me a theme song, so I decide to select one for myself. The one I decided to make my theme song is “If I were brave,” by Jana Stanfield. I picked this song because it is a reminder that if I believe that I can and that you are with me in this journey, then I can accomplish anything that I feel led to accomplish. This video is filled with the stories of women who embraced their courage and bravery and followed their heart.
Read moreGolden Shadows
Dear Garnishelli,
I know I normally start my personal journal entries with Dear God, but since you were the one who asked me to reflect more on this, I am writing this one to you. God knows this is as much for me as it is for you, and who ever else reads this. See the truth is that the Ultimate Consciousness, really wants us to be our most vibrant and creative selves. We were each given the gift to express something unique and amazing, which will help raise the vibrational frequency in the world in some way. It is just that so few of us, myself included, consistently remember we have these powers. We forget to always embody the bright light within ourselves, our Golden Shadow.
Psychiatrist Carl Jung called our submerged creative potential the "Golden Shadow." Whenever we have intense admiration for others, we are actually seeing our Golden Shadow. The qualities we admire in others are the qualities we have not yet owned and embodied in our own lives. In other words, our Golden Shadow is our submerged greatness. It is our dismissed and unknown strengths. Most often they are hidden and disguised within our deepest emotional pain and hurt. Our Golden Shadow is the part of our souls which offer particular strength of love and healing. It comes from the spaces in our life where we have experienced the most pain and challenges in our lives.
Read moreI don't know
This week has been such a challenge, well actually the last few weeks. Bruce’s passing pierced my heart in a way I cannot even begin to explain. I am so grateful he is no longer suffering, but there are not words to explain the ways he touched my heart. He was one of the first of Zoe’s family that I met and we bonded immediately at Rose’s funeral. Funny, it was he and Joanie who welcomed me into the family from day one. Never a question or a comment. Bruce began calling me cousin Sharon from day one. My heart is filled with memories we created together. From the time he let me hold and comfort him at Rose’s funeral to the day he wept from his heart at a plate of Lemon Drop cookies. I am so grateful that I had the opportunity to know this groovy kind of guy. Nobody can say it like he can. Maybe that is why I love Maryanna so much, she always says she is a groovy kind of gal. Too bad they never met.
I think about all the people have made transition this week. Bruce, Michael who came to live with you again at the young age of 17, and Jerry who like Bruce fought a long battle with cancer. I don’t understand this disease. I don’t understand why people die when they do. I don’t understand why there are some deaths which sadden me and others that leave a whole in my heart that I just cannot explain. I just don’t understand and I am not sure I ever will, other than to know that there work here on earth was done.
Read moreWhy?
Dear God,
There are so many things in my life I cannot explain. Some of them are little things such as, where have all the missing socks gone and where is Zoe’s good pair of jeans hiding? Then there is the bigger question like why am I still alive.
Honestly, I have no idea. I have been through so many situations in my life where I could have died and all I know is that I did not. I have no idea why, it just is. I could try to explain that the doctors saved me, but there are others who have been through what I went through and did not survive.
I could have died when I was born, as could my birth mother, but neither of us died, well I know for sure I did not. There were complications, which my foster parents, made sure were addressed, but I did not die.
When I was in an accident in my early 20’s and thrown from the car, I could have died, but I somehow landed relatively unscathed as I flew out of my car and landed in the back of a parked truck. My car was totaled, but other than a few bruises and lots of soreness I was unharmed and I do not know why.
Read moreJust Wondering
I have been sitting here thinking for a moment about what is normal for me? Am I even mindful of the normalness of my life, until like a fish I am removed from my water. For example, it seems completely normal for me to do things when others tell me what to do, as if this is what I expect. If I am to accomplish the goals in my life, someone other than myself is going to give me the directions on how to do x, y, or z. so when I am not told how or what is expected it creates this sense of wondering, which can sometimes feel uncomfortable or scary.
I have been writing academic papers for so long now that when I am asked to write something, I fall back into that normal mode and disconnect from my creativity and go through my own organizational process to create this paper. I follow the process and turn in a well written and well researched paper which follows all the rules I have learned about writing a paper.
Read moreIn Tune
I am always amazed at how you give me clarity of vision. There are days that I can see the pieces, but not the whole picture and then you led me to a story about putting things together again by Suzy Holbeche
"I am reminded of the story of the teacher who tears to shreds a map of the world and, thinking it an impossible task, gives it to a recalcitrant student to put together. Within ten minutes the boy is back, the task completed. Astonished, the teacher asks him how he did it. The boy replies: When I turned the pieces over, I found a torn-up man. I put him together, and when I looked at the other side the world was whole again."
This wonderful story reminds me that the answer to the world's problems is people like me. Once I make myself whole, my world falls into place as it should be. When I fall apart, my world falls apart. When I am in tune with you then I am also in tune with myself. This story inspired me to write a poem about my relationship with you
Read moreRugelach
As I have been thinking about the visions in my life, I began to think about one evening when we had a local author, Mary Grace, here to talk about her book Communion of Saints: Talking with God and Grandma. One of the things she talked about was asking for a sign from those who have transcended. I remember asking for a sign of my mother’s presence as she is one of the people I miss most in my life.
What happened the next 24 hours was nothing short of the presence of the Divine. I was looking at the front cover of the book and all I could see were my mother’s rugelach where the candles were. That night I woke up several times during the night smelling cinnamon coming out of the oven. I would wake up and walk down the hallway thinking I had left the oven on, but it was off. I checked all my candle warmers thinking I had put cinnamon melts in my warmers, but I had not. So I came to the realization it was you sending something I would recognize as my mom letting me know she was with me. So thank you.
Read more1-5-10
Thank you for always reminding me that I am the author of my story. I can edit and revise it anytime I wish to. I remember watching a video with Kyle Cease where he had these people have a conversation with him a year from now after having made the decision to follow their dreams, so I was thinking, what if I wrote you notes as if it were a year from now, five years from now, and maybe 10 years from now telling you how amazing my life is. So today I am going to begin the journey by telling you what my vision for the next 10 years looks like. If this is indeed where you are guiding me, I know we will be there.
August 4, 2018
Dear God,
Life is so good. I am taking a break from all the sessions and activities at my first Pampered Chef conference. It has been amazing to have met so many people and to have been able to cross stage as an Advanced Director with so many of my team members in the audience. It is awesome that this summer, for the first time in decades I am not worrying about how I am going to make it through the summer financially. I am finally done writing my book and have it all ready to go to the publisher. So, thank you for an awesome year. It was not always easy, but I know that everyone joined in their own time and you put everything in place where it was supposed to be. I am grateful for reminding me to claim pre-designated writing times and so going in the other room really helped me. It also helped to start a spiritual writing group that met here monthly to talk about tour progress.
Read moreThe Welcome Table
I have been spending so much time thinking through my feelings about community. I know I like the idea of being part of a community, however, I grapple with the challenges of being a part of one. On the one hand, I appreciate the feeling of belong and being a part of something bigger then myself. On the other hand, I hate the feeling of never quite fitting in or living up to the communal expectations. It is feeling like you fit in when so often you feel like a round peg trying to fit into a square hole or vice versa.
I have spent most of my life feeling like I never quite fit in. The one place I feel as if I fit is in my relationship with you. It is in my relationship with you that I experience that unconditional love and acceptance. Perhaps that is because you never ask me to leave a part of me at the door. I have always known that you love for me is unconditional.
Read moreUntieing the Knot
So, this month has certainly been filled with adventure and challenges. I have come to remember that achieving unity with someone is not always easy. Sometimes our ways of working towards the common goal are so different. This week a collaborator asked me to prayerfully make a commitment to do something. Reading the request left me with mixed feelings. On the one hand, I wanted to be able to say that what they wanted me to commit to would happen. At the same time, I realized that what they wanted me to commit to involved so many more people and situations then I had control over. I also realized I was feeling this pressure to do something from someone who had always said they would never pressure me to do that. As I repeatedly read the request, I realized the pivotal word in the request was prayerfully.
Prayerfully. That was what reminded me that you had the answer to all that I needed to be in unity with this person. So, thank you for allowing me to speak my truth in love. I know that in your time I will achieve the goal that we would both like to see me achieve, which is also a part of her goal. However, I also know that this is about you and your timing. So, I will continue to commit to being the best me I can be each day and know that you will continue to open doors and remove obstacles and create ways out of no way.
Read moreBook of Law
I have been thinking a lot about unity this week and when I feel in sync with myself and others and when I do not. What I have come to realize is that I do not feel in sync with myself when I am doing something that goes against my internal Book of Law. I have come to realize that sometimes it is because I am doing something that I know is not the right thing for me. I am doing something because I feel pressured to do so. For example, recently a client asked me to do something which went against my Book of Law. As much as I always like to support my clients, this request made me feel very uncomfortable and I realized in this situation there could be no unity. I came to the realization that being in unity with you is more important to me than being in unity with another human being, especially when it feels like they are not coming from a space of love.
As much as I would love to teach the world to sing in perfect harmony, as the old Coca Cola song said, I have come to realize that I can only sing in perfect harmony with those who also want to raise the vibrational frequency in this world. If they are not seeking to do so, then I have to rethink our relationship and find a different way of standing in unity with them. That unity might be in agreeing we are not working towards the same goal.
Read moreA Different Unity
Dear God,
I have been thinking about how sometimes working in unity with someone is so easy. At the same time, working with someone can also be difficult. There are times in my when I have wanted to work in unity with someone and they have been open and willing to work with me in return. We have had a common goal and worked together, sharing our gifts and insights with each other. The experience has been amazing. It reminded me of that feeling of being on a see saw with a friend who would make sure we both went up and down and nobody left the other stuck up in the air. There was a feeling of peace and synchronicity in the process.
However, recently, I was reminded it takes two to work in unity. Both parties must want to work towards a common goal. If one party cuts themselves off then it creates a challenge to work as one body. What I have come to realize is that I may not be able to create a bond of unity with everyone or that it might take time for me to help someone wash away years of loneliness and isolation before they are willing to work with me in unity.
Read moreAffirmation Time
I have now spent a month reading and thinking about transformation and it seems like there are a few areas I need to continue to work on transforming in my own heart and brain. One is how I define success. There are days that I know I am successful because I am clear I am doing what I am supposed to be doing in and with my life. Then there are those moments when Zoe has to pull my head out of my ass because I feel like a failure.
Those moments seem to come when I start to evaluate my life based on the ideals of others and when I have not been giving myself my daily affirmations. I have to be intentional everyday about affirming myself. I cannot depend on anyone else to give me those affirmations. Being self-affirming has to be intentional and some days I fall back in those old habits of beating myself up instead of building myself up. Sometimes I fall, but then I get back up again and affirm myself for being able to do so.
Read moreTry
Thanks for the slap upside the head. I was listening to Mandy Harvey sing on America’s Got Talent. Her story about losing her hearing and how it erased her dream of being a musician. She sang this song called Try. Her lyrics really spoke to me and the changes in my life due to my back and nerve damage. She wrote, “I don't feel the way I used to The sky is grey much more than it is blue But I know one day I'll get through.” When I lost the feeling on my right side I did not feel the way I used to, literally. I did not know how I was going to learn how to do things when I did not know where my foot was and had to learn how to think my leg into moving. There were days that I was grieving the loss of my independence. I grieved not being able to drive anymore. I grieved There were mornings I would be so frustrated and cry because I could not even put my sock or shoe on by myself. On those especially tough days I would tell myself I will get through.
Just when I thought things could not get worse, they eliminated my paratransit services, which made it possible for me to go out, have fun, and hang with friends. That bought about one more loss and one more thing to grieve. There were days that the sky was grey, so I found myself being intentional about doing things in my life to keep myself positive and making my home such an amazing place to be that nobody who came here, including myself, would want to leave. I knew this would either be my prison cell or an ashram, so I opted to transform it into an ashram.
Read more