Because I am

I learned this amazing lesson the other day. Sometimes there is nothing to say. Sometimes there is nothing to feel. Sometimes there is nothing to express. Sometimes when I become thoughtful and quiet people want to know what is wrong with me. Sometimes it is just where I am. Recently, someone asked me why I was being so quiet and I said because I am. They were upset with me and left because I did not give them the explanation they desired. I guess because I might not have given them what they needed, but it was.
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Thanks Cousin Bruce

Dear Bruce, I just wanted to thank you for our conversation this past week. You said something that really touched me and got me thinking about how far I have come in my own journey. You talked about my aura and how it drew you to me and how you thought it drew others to me as well. I am not even sure if you will remember saying that or not. I can remember a time when I was probably more Eeyore and feeling like my whole world was woe is me. I had to work so hard on myself to look at how I was practicing a theology of sadness to get to a theology of joy. I had allowed myself to internalize other people’s lies and negativity. It had eaten away at my sense of self and the perception of my relationship with God. I had to remove all this from my spirit and replace them with those things I knew to be true.
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In the quiet of the morning

It is scary when you find yourself telling others exactly what you need to tell yourself. Makes you go hmm, ok God are you having her say this so I can tell myself what I need to hear. A friend of mine from the Whole Living Community was talking about not being productive because she had taken too much time for herself this past weekend and not gotten her normal weekend chores done. As I was writing to her, I found myself convicting myself especially when I realized it had been weeks since I had claimed the time to write in my own journal. Here this private space that is just for me to write my own meanderings about me. And then I remembered that one of my promises to myself had been to take time for me everyday. So when did I start agreeing that I was not worthy of paying myself with some personal time for me. Not Sharon the professor, the mother, the partner, the spiritual director, the sister, or any other role I play for people, but just me.
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Week 8, Day 7 – Rewarding Yourself, The Choice

So today was to be field trip day and we were to go out and look at fences. We were supposed to notice how they were made and the purposes they serve. are they about holding something in or keeping something out. how do fences give us peace of mind. Finally, have there been different kinds of fences in our lives at different times. I would so love to do this, but when the weather is in the single digits and the snow cannot seem to stop falling, my ideal field trip is not to go strolling looking for and at fences. Not even sure that with all the snow we have right now, I could even see someone’s fence. In fact, in my neighborhood, there is not a single house with a fence.
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Week 8, Day 6 – Happiness

I have always found these magazine one challenging as I rarely, if ever, have any around the house, but this time I did. Well a few copies of the same magazine. Therefore, here were the article titles on the covers Your total health plan. Stress free simplicity, instant calm, and charge up your health. Then I found one from a different magazine that said pasta pasta pasta. So if I were to choose one article name and write an article about it, I would probably call it either your total happiness plan or happy happy happy! But for whatever reason I am not really feeling either of those titles. And I am not sure I am comfortable saying somebody seems happy. Some people in my life seem happy, but you get them behind closed doors and you find out they are not and are miserable. It’s as if they have this happy make up on
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Week 8, Day 1 – Forgiveness

Hmm. The one that really is speaking to me the most is #3. So I guess I will be coming back to this entry for the next week. Isn’t that kind of like life – a work in progressJ? So this morning my first thought was how I just wanted to make it to the bathroom on time and then when I did I was angry because I realized I was having my first period in over a year. I thought I was through with this part of my life. Not really holding any grudges this morning and am at a space where the one thing in my life which is unresolved, well I know in time it is going to be resolved. So that is a good thing. I can live with knowing it is all going to be ok. I think it helped that I have clarification from CDR about what they will do for me as an individual and how I can work to get others involved systemically. So let me take just a moment to pray before I get started with my day.
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Week 4, Day 7 – Rewarding Yourself, the Spirit Grows

So today was field trip day and I could actually do this. I went to the local nurseryJ. The goal was to pay attention to your sensory reaction as you walked up and down the aisles. Intuitively, what do you know about flowers? What does your spirit say about plants that must be planted annually or those that come back every year? How do you respond to the tiny seedlings compared to the larger plants? What does your reaction to seedlings tell you about how you trust? I might have to email Janelle and tell her that her book is California biased. On a cold January day, I was literally one of only 2 customers in the nursery. The other was my partner who went with me. Not many people go to the nursery on a cold winter day and there was very little to interact with. Never the less it was a powerful experience.
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Week 3, Day 7 – Rewarding yourself, Flowing with the water

I have to laugh on these day 7 days as we are supposed to take ourselves to these outdoor places. However, as it is winter and I have no para-transit services for a few more weeks, I kind of have to improvise and be creative. For today, we were supposed to take ourselves to a body of water and ask the water to pour its wisdom over us. Use streaming to learn from water’s qualities what you need to live with. Cluster about something living in water. Dialogue with the teacher of the water. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Ah well I can kill two birds with one stone and take a shower. I love showers. Turn the lights on, Zoë will yell down the hallway. I love taking showers in the dark at times – ok, so at this point in the day, it is not exactly like dark, but the water sounds differently when I am showering with the lights off then when they are on. Not sure why that is, it just sounds different. Maybe with the lights on I am thinking more about why I am there
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