Well, the reality is that the ones I wanted to begin with were numbers 2 or 3. Then I had to go hmm, so you do not want to write on number 1 why. Well if I write about a secret fear or trouble within myself, then it would no longer be a secret would it. But if I write about it then I have to be honest with myself about it and I can’t keep it in one of those deep dark places where it is safely hidden and has been for a while. So it would be easier to write about what I have and have not done well or the rituals in my life, etc. but if the whole purpose of my doing this is to stir my own waters and move through stuff, then I have to break open the secret vault and not always play it safe.
So one of my secret fears is that if I lose weight, ok, let me change that, when I lose weight people might find me attractive and someone might try to abuse me again.
Read moreWeek 8, Day 1 – Forgiveness
Hmm. The one that really is speaking to me the most is #3. So I guess I will be coming back to this entry for the next week. Isn’t that kind of like life – a work in progressJ? So this morning my first thought was how I just wanted to make it to the bathroom on time and then when I did I was angry because I realized I was having my first period in over a year. I thought I was through with this part of my life. Not really holding any grudges this morning and am at a space where the one thing in my life which is unresolved, well I know in time it is going to be resolved. So that is a good thing. I can live with knowing it is all going to be ok. I think it helped that I have clarification from CDR about what they will do for me as an individual and how I can work to get others involved systemically.
So let me take just a moment to pray before I get started with my day.
Read moreWeek 7, Day 7 – Rewarding Yourself, Gifts Offered
So today was field trip day. We were to go wherever we wanted to go today and observe the buildings, the people, the weather, and anything else that caught our interest. We were to notice what we were drawn to and what we learned in the process.
Ok, so here is the thing. I have begun to notice that whatever I am “assigned” to write on that day is what I really need to write about at that time in my life. So Tuesday’s are my busy day with school and this Tuesday was no different. I was gone much longer then I would have liked, but it was all good. Well except for the weather, as we prepared for the “blizzard” of 2011. In some respects, there has been this kind of emotional blizzard going on in my life around liftline, so the bitter cold, snow, and wind in the weather kind of matched some of what I was experiencing and like the blizzard,
Read moreWeek 7, Day 6 – Solitude
Generally, I love being alone. I value the time I have by myself. The peace. The quiet. I love it. As much as I love my wife, I love having my personal time with me. I love being able to curl up with a book or my laptop or my journal and just write or read or dream or envision or just be. There is a peace and a calm that comes when I am alone. While I love teaching and working with people, my time with me is restorative and rejuvenating. It is the single best gift I can give myself.
However, there are times when being alone does scare me. Those times come when it is not about me choosing to be alone. My guess is that some of this comes from a time I do not even remember well. But it used to bother me when nobody wanted to be around me because they didn’t like me.
Read moreWeek 7, Day 5 – Spirituality
I found myself laughing uncontrollably for some reason when I read assignment 3. As I sat there and watched my cats first stare me down trying to figure out who was going to win the battle for the next serving of Friskie’s treats. And of course, yes they won. They always do. Once they had received their blessings, they ate them, although I am not sure that they said a prayer of thanksgiving or not. Ate them, and then began the ritual of stretching and cleaning and licking themselves in a diversity of position. Then they stretched out in their respective spaces, got into what I am assuming was a comfortable position in their favorite sleeping areas in our office and settled in for a good nights nap. That is until they wake up at 2 am and do the cat races up and down the hallway. I am sure there is a spiritual lesson to be learned in there, but I am not sure that at present I have the eyes to see it.
Read moreWeek 7, Day 4 – The Body
I am not sure that my wife would want me to be different sexually. I do think, however, that she wishes that my body was healthier then it has been for the last several years. I had problems with my knees when we first me and had trouble doing stairs, however, with additional injuries to my back and knees, doing stairs are now not possible and the last time I attempted to come down a single stair I could have easily fallen, and in fact almost did, even though I was using my walker. I think that is frustrating for both of us. People often say well I just have one-step or three steps, but for me that might as well be a mountain and sometimes it is so frustrating because I feel as if people do not understand. Could I go up and down the steps without falling, I have been advised otherwise. It is hard when people tell me I won’t let you fall, I promise. It is not that I do not trust them, I do. I honestly do not think they would wish for me to fall, but I also know that no one can prevent me from falling.
Read moreWeek 7, Day 3 – Work and Creativity
Hmm. me be creative in the work place. Lol. You know I really didn’t think I was all that creative until recently when I realized that my just being me is pretty creative. For example, my whole approach to teaching has developed in response to the complaints of my students. It was not grounded in any theories of adult education or learning. It was all about me responding to my “customers” and their complaints. I just saw it as doing good “customer service.” so I started by giving people choices about when to turn assignments in, then it was how much an assignment wa worthy, then it became pick what you want to do, how much it is worth and when you want to turn it in. now, I get the opposite complaint that I give too many choices. So maybe next semester, I will add the option of your standardized homework package. One that I design with fixed dates, percentages, etc. and I love that. I love the creativity and the free flowing nature of my courses and how they are never the same course twice.
Read moreWeek 7, Day 2 – Friendships and Family
Hmm, so many choices. Where do I start? So I decided to ask several people I know in different contexts what they like best about me and to comment on what I need to do. In response to what they like best about me, they said:
* You are a peaceful spirit. You are funny. You are amazingly articulate and yet speak to people from a people place. I love that you are so willing to listen.
* I like you optimistic personality
* I like that you are non-judging, and that you tell me what I need to hear not what I want to hear. When I ask you about things in life, you always ask questions in return to get to the bottom of the feeling. Often it is frustrating for me, but because I have trust in you as a friend that you are going to give me the advice I need to hear I continue to answer those questions. We often go through life asking those around us questions for them to tell us what we want to hear, and we go to these people to feel better. I have learned from previous discussions with you that I continue to talk to you and ask questions of you because you do not judge, but you also don't bullshit you tell me the "raw truth.”
* What do I like best about you: your spirit, your heart and your honesty
* The thing I like best about you is your sweet nature. You are probably one of the sweetest and even natured people I know. Even when people are being bitches, you know. I would be like where is my machete, you are sweet natured and that is one of the traits I find most endearing.
Read moreWeek 7, Day 1 – Love
well as I have spent a good part of today in my head thinking about love and myself and what I am doing and not doing for myself out of love I guess I know where I am heading here. I think the most amazing gift of love that I have given myself recently was making the decision that I would no longer allow anyone, including myself, to abuse me. I had an epiphany that others could only abuse me because I was allowing them to and they were only treating me as well or unwell as I was treating myself. The worse I treated myself, the more I allowed others to abuse me. Then there was this day that someone pushed the envelope and abused me in a way that was just not ok. I remember that day as if it were yesterday. It was the day I stood up and questioned my abuser and they came at me with everything but the kitchen sink.
Read moreWeek 6 – Day 7 – Rewarding yourself, following the pulse
I love these field trip days. Today’s assignment was to find a place that you could go to get your creative juices flowing J and talk about why it might be right for you. Then we were to write a commitment about this place or a prayer about it and what it could mean in your life. How can the creative muse within me tap and choose me here.
Well this was so so so easy. I knew exactly where it was because I had been there a few weeks ago. It was the nursery. At least this is my space in the winter. Why? Because it is alive and meditational and quiet and so full of life and diversity. I still think about my first visit to the nursery and plan to go there every couple of weeks this winter and just sit and be. The music is so relaxing, but I found so many plants that spoke to me. It was as if I was having conversations with them. So my goal is to go every two weeks and find a different plant to have conversation with. It might not be as perfect a place in the spring, summer, and fall when it is crowded and overflowing, but for now it is the perfect space this winter. So this winter, I commit to coming and visiting with my plant companions every other week and then at least once a month the rest of the year. I think I need to surround myself with reminders of life, struggle, beauty, evolution, authenticity, and originality. Each plant has its own story and its own unique way of telling it. It is just about which one is ready to connect with me at that moment and with whom am I making that connection. But in the midst of the silence and the peace, I know that I will hear the muse of creativity whispering to me and I will have the words to write and the ideas to put on paper as I continue to create a space for spiritual evolution and transformation in all that I say and do.
Week 6, Day 6 – Commitment
Dear Sharon,
I want you to know how much I love you and how proud I am of you. I know it has not always been easy, but you have never given up on yourself and that takes courage and commitment. I remember you suggesting to a few of your friends that before they began dating anyone else, they should date themselves and fall in love with themselves. While I know you are already with Zoe and that she is your soulmate. I wanted to take this time to read my vows to you because lovers and friends can come in and out of our lives, but I will always be here for you. so I want you to know my love for you is eternal. I have been with you from the moment you were struggling for your first breath and I will be with you on the day you take your last one. I have been and will always be there for you in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, in good times and in bad.
Read moreWeek 6, Day 5 – Using Day and Night Dreams
Well I can very clearly remember a dream that I had for several months. Actually, it was one of those dreams that you keep having and although it changed slightly, it would not go away. It lasted for about four months.
Write down a dream.
So here was my dream – I had this series of dreams that I was on the Next Foodnetwork Star. Don’t ask me who else was on it with me because I have no idea. What I do know was this that I miraculously seemed to make it to the final episode which was so cool because I was the first person to ever be on the show who used a wheelchair and because ultimately I won. I think in part it was because I had a clear culinary point of view the entire time – The Zenful Kitchen. The whole point of my show was to take the notion of being your own teacher, of being present, of being in a state of flow, of allowing your creative juices to flow, and of staying in a peaceful state the whole time you were cooking and using the kitchen as a space to relax and be at peace at the end of a hectic day.
Choose the main feelings in the dream.
Read moreWeek 6, Day 4 – Strengthening Access to Creativity
The first assignment sounded so cool, except I do not have magazines in the house L -- so that down, I was feeling kind of stuck and non-creative. Perhaps because I was tired. So laid down took a nap, made these breadsticks out of canned biscuit dough, rolled them in butter, baked them, then bathed them in a garlic, salt, oregano butter sauce and served them piping hot with a festive salad, you know one of those kinds where you empty the refrigerator in it, and ate that with a bowl of pasta a friend made tossed with a marinara sauce that has been passed down in his family. Nothing like authentic Italian sauce – so much different then what you buy in a jar. I may never be able to do that again.
Ok, so full stomach, rested (well slightly), and feeling light in my spirit I started thinking about who I would want to see or spend an hour with. Do I have to pick just one? Can’t do that.
Read moreWeek 6, Day 3 – Reducing Blocks
Lol – so this is too funny, because one of my clients came today for our spiritual journaling group and the image I had for her to reflect on was mud. I kept seeing lots of mud in her life and wanted her to think about the mud and what could be made out of the mud, whether she needed to stay in the mud, or how she could wash away the mud. Then I come to my own time to journal and I get to number 3, which basically asks me to do the same thing I asked her to do. For different reasons, but in some respects the same concepts.
I am really not sure I want to wash away the debris. I am so much more into reduce, reuse, and recycle. So what is the debris and then how can I reuse it in my life. How can I repurpose it and make it a blessing. Like if the debris is mud, then how can I use the mud to create something, which is inspiring, not blocking. I don’t think it is about letting it wash away.
Read moreWeek 6, Day 2 – Risk Taking
Ok, so I know that these were the inspirational things to think about as I reflect about risk taking, but as I was reading what Janelle wrote about risk taking, there was this one sentence that stuck out to me. She wrote, “Every time someone shares a struggle, he or she is saying that this is what counts and I’m trying to learn how to live it.” It made me go wow. For the last few weeks, I have been thinking a lot about why I have felt so compelled to share my journaling on my website. At the core of my being, I knew this was something I had to do. I have been thinking to myself, how can I expect others to do the hard work along the way of this journey if I am not willing to do it myself. And I felt like it was important to be transparent with those I am journeying and say look it is not always easy and sometimes we all fall down, but then we get back up again. So reading Janelle’s statement made me go hmm – I am a risk taker.
Read moreWeek 6, Day 1 – Uniqueness
It’s amazing what a nap and a grilled cheese sandwich will do. having been gone since what for me is the crack of dawn this morning (7:30 am), I came home, completed some errands and was bound and determined I was going to journal today if it was the last thing I did. But the last thing I wanted to do was write in my journal. All I wanted to do was take a nap. But it’s 8:30 pm you can take a nap now. Sure, I can. No, you can’t. Yes, I can. And the healthier side of me took control and I curled up in bed for what was either going to be a long nights sleep or a good nap. The nap won out as I woke up hungry. So after fixing myself a grilled cheese sandwich and a diet mountain dew, I could begin to think about what my being unique. Chewing my sandwich and sipping my soda gave me an opportunity to think about where I wanted to start with my thoughts on uniqueness.
Read moreWeek 5, Day 7 – Rewarding Yourself, Movement Comes
Well although it is not 9 below as it was yesterday, the weather and lack of transportation did not allow me to go to the vehicle that I wanted to go to. In fact, the vehicle I have always had a love affair with does not even exist in Rochester anymore. My favorite one, at least as I have always remembered as a child is in Staten Island, NY. Although I have been on them in other places and especially while living in and touristing in parts of Canada. My fantasy vehicle is a ferry. I love the ferry. I think what I love most about the ferry is that once you have driven on it, you can then park, stop, walk around, and take in the view and appreciate all the beauty around you, the smell of the water, the breeze as it blows through your hair and against your skin. For me, they have always been like these very short cruises. They give me the part of the cruise that I like most, the water and the breeze and the time to relax and meditate without the parts of a cruise that I am not as crazy about
Read moreWeek 5, Day 6 -- Prayer
When I was in my pastorate, my prayers varied from my corporal prayers during worship, to prayers that were more individualistically tailored to the person and the situation, yet still a bit more on the formal side. When I am praying for myself, my prayers vary from those said quietly inside my head to those that I say aloud. Pray for me is about me having a personal conversation with the Creator. It is about me stepping out in faith out of a personal agreement between the Creator and myself. Prayer for me is a statement of faith confirming the agreement that I have with the Creator. It is about the agreement that the co-creator is constantly working with me as I work to transform my life and to move from being a spiritual warrior who is working to live her life in a constant state of awareness and transformation. I know that the Creator is with me as I seek to live out the challenge in Romans 12:8, which is one of my favorite scriptures – do not be conformed to the ways of this world, but be transformed in it through the renewing of one’s mind.
Read moreWeek 5, Day 5 – Honesty
Not sure that I can remember five situations in which I’ve observed honesty that I admired. One was when my father and I were planning his funeral service. He requested that I paint a realistic picture of him when I spoke about him. He said please tell them I had some noble moments in my life, but for a good part of my life I was a shit. It really struck me how he owned his stuff and did not want to be portrayed as anything other then what he was.
A second moment I can remember was actually an action, not a word. Zoë was preparing for surgery and the nurse asked if she wore dentures. Before Zoë could answer, she told her if she did, she would have to take them out. For the first time in our relationship, which at that time was about 3 years, I saw her without her teeth. Funny, but I never knew she had dentures. It was humbling because she made herself vulnerable with me in a way she never had before. It is a moment I will always remember. There was this real honesty that she allowed me to see and experience with her in this moment that transcends description.
Read moreWeek 5, Day 4 – Boundaries
Ok, so here is the thing. I have a love hate relationship with the phone. On the one hand I want to be accessible to people, but there are times that I do not feel like talking to a person or people in general. So I make the decision to not pick up the phone. If I am feeling tired or not at a place where I feel that I could be present for a conversation with this person, I feel as if it is more respectful of me to not answer, then to answer and find myself thinking about doing something else. At the same time, I struggle with not being there for people. so I have this internal conflict going on because there are times that I do not want to be disturbed, like when I am journaling or having quality time with Zoë or after 10 pm when I am trying to get ready to unwind and relax for the night. I think part of my conflict comes from releasing the sense that I am on call, which is a remnant from my days of pastoring, to being in a new place in my life.
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