It is scary when you find yourself telling others exactly what you need to tell yourself. Makes you go hmm, ok God are you having her say this so I can tell myself what I need to hear. A friend of mine from the Whole Living Community was talking about not being productive because she had taken too much time for herself this past weekend and not gotten her normal weekend chores done. As I was writing to her, I found myself convicting myself especially when I realized it had been weeks since I had claimed the time to write in my own journal. Here this private space that is just for me to write my own meanderings about me. And then I remembered that one of my promises to myself had been to take time for me everyday. So when did I start agreeing that I was not worthy of paying myself with some personal time for me. Not Sharon the professor, the mother, the partner, the spiritual director, the sister, or any other role I play for people, but just me.
Read moreUsing my Bubby wisdom
As I lay in bed this morning, feeling Zoë’s arms wrapped around me, feeling the warmth of her breath on my neck and the gentle sound of her snoring, my heart just overflowed with love. I didn’t want to get out of bed, but I did have to go to the bathroom. One of these days, we will figure out how to be able to do both things at one time. Until then, I guess I will have to do with interrupting those special moments. It is not that her touch, breathing or snoring is any different then it has been for the last 10 years, it just has taken on a completely new meaning.
My Bubby, Yiddish for grandmother, used to tell me when you can see the good in a bad situation then you know you are going to be ok. I am not going to lie to myself or anybody else.
Read moreGetting To Know the Courage in Me.
Since Zoë was diagnosed with breast cancer, I have strived to be as loving and supportive of her and this phase of her journey as I could. The day we got the news was the worst day. It was the day we felt our whole world and life change. I remember how one minute we were sitting in Starbucks dreaming about what we were going to do to the backyard next year waiting for my paratransit bus to arrive to take us home. Then the phone rang and the diagnosis came. At the same time, the bus arrived. While we only live a few miles from the store, it was the longest and quietest ride home. When we got home, we talked, cried, processed, and prayed. We made one commitment to each other that day that everything we said and did would be about keeping and maintaining a positive attitude in ourselves, our home, and our interactions with others.
Read moreListening with a discerning spirit.
My wife has a saying, “opinions are like assholes, we all have them, and they stink.” So perhaps that was not the most spiritual way to start with what is in my heart today, but in many respects, it is true. It seems to me that way too often in my life, I have listened to and internalized the opinions of others without question. It took me a while to come to the place in my life when I changed the way I listen to the world. There were a few things that catapulted me into being a more critical and skeptical listener. One was a book by Henri Nouwen, Living a Sacred Life in a Secular World. He wrote about how when people criticize us or say something negative about us, we tend to internalize it as if it were fact. Conversely, when someone pays a compliment or gives us an affirmation, we question there motives behind that. What do they want? Why are they saying these things? He challenged me to begin changing the way I listened to things. I began critically thinking about and listening to everything that was said the positive and the negative. I worked on no longer believing someone because they said it; especially if it were someone, I considered an authority figure.
Read moreUnprofessional and proud of it!
I never thought I would be excited to have someone tell me I was unprofessional, but yesterday was one of those days. I was talking on the phone to one of my online students who was having technical problems. Once we got through the immediate problem, she shared with me how much she loves this class and said that in part it was because I was unprofessional. So in all honesty, I had to stop for a moment because I was trying to think about what I could have said or done that might have been viewed as unprofessional. For a moment, the parasite of fear began to poke its head out at me, but I caught it in time, rained love on it and myself, and did what I always tell others to do – seek clarification.
Being unprofessional to her meant I was real, authentic, and approachable.
Read moreJust a little Facebook theology
So I was checking in with my friend Angel today on FB and her status said, “People often forget that I am a Communication Major. The first rule of thumb is if you are going to tell a story get the facts straight otherwise it is considered gossip, slander and it is grounds for a law suit. You become a liability to your employer. Yep you guessed it, this post is a tease. "Is your lying tongue a liability?" Do you use your tongue as a tool for treachery or to teach? Are you a positive source of energy or a parasite that drains life?
That word parasite caught my attention, so I asked her if she had read my blog from last night, which was about parasites. “No, I didn’t, but I will.”
Read moreIt’s parasite removal time.
For the longest time I have known the opposite of love is fear. This fear is like a parasite, which lives within me. It feeds on my insecurities and fears and creates these concerns all based in fear. They are some parasites that make me worry about whether or not I am going to be accepted or rejected. They make me worry about what might happen, what someone might say, what I might do. One of the parasites, which I have been able to remove, is the one based on jealousy. Why is it that human beings are the only ones that compare themselves to others, well at least that we know of. I honestly doubt that my plants are talking to each other about who has more leaves or who got more water from me that day.
Read moreIntegrity
The first page in the companion guide has a few definitions of integrity. he defined it as “(1) the quality or state of being complete; unbroken; wholeness; entirety; (2) the quality of state of being unimpaired; perfect condition; soundness: (3) the quality or state of being of sound moral principles; uprightness; honesty, and sincerity.” As I read this quote, I had to stop and think about it for a while. If this is what integrity is, it seems as if we spend our entire lives journeying back to a space we were in before we ever came into this world. I guess the word that really got me is honesty. I would like to think that I am a fairly honest person, but if I were being completely honest with myself, I would have to say that there are times that I lie. I probably lie more to myself then I do to anyone else.
Read moreDear Sharon
Dear Sharon –
I just wanted to let you know how proud I was of you yesterday. You spoke your truth in love. In a space where you could have responded out of anger, you chose to respond out of love and compassion and help the other person release their guilt. I know that forgiving them was important. I also know forgiving yourself was equally important. In doing so, you set both of you free. I know there were moments where you wanted to listen to the Inner Judge telling you how this was your fault. However, you need to remember that when you made the decision you did, it was the best decision you could have made in those circumstances
Read moreGoing back in time
Reading Jo Garceau's book Knowing Woman has made me think a lot about my past and growing up. It has made me realize that much of my life has been spent sorting through what I know based on my relationship with the Infinite from what others have wanted me to believe. In the process of doing so, I came to realize I was constantly coming to new understandings of my feelings, my understandings, my behaviors, and myself. I came to realize that over time I had allowed others to project images on to me and had internalized them. I had come to believe things about myself that were not true. The more time I dwelt on this I came to realize that this was a time in which I internalized a lot of beliefs about what I could and could not do, what I could and could not be, and what I could and could not believe. So for the next few months,
Read moreDoing my best
The last couple of weeks have been frustrating in some respects. Liftline has told me they were following RGRTA, RGRTA says there eliminating the route was due to a decrease in ridership. The town told me it is a county issue, the county ignores me, the state tells me it is a federal issue and that i need to request the ADA be expanded so that my services can be restored. I feel as if everyone who has the power to make a change is telling me not my responsibility. So the other day I had to sit down and ask myself am I doing my best. Right now, I think I am. I have started a petition locally. Am working on a letter to my Congressional representative, a letter to my local newspaper and investigating who are the national disability rights groups. This is no longer about me or my town, this is now about ensuring that what happened to me will never happen to anybody else.
Read moreStaying Encouraged
Zoe and I have definitely faced our share of challenges this month, but three weeks into this journey we are still standing strong, stronger as a couple, and more solid in our faith then ever. For that I am so grateful. Zoe went for the second biopsy yesterday and turns out the "suspicious spot" in her right breast is a cyst. Heaing that we are just fighting cancer in the one spot, not two was a huge burden off both of our shoulders. I think what has kept us the both encouraged through our respective battles, her with cancer and me with liftline, is love and faith. We both know everything is going to be ok; one way or the other everything is going to be ok. We both believe in the transformative power of the Creator to make a way out of no way. We both are committed to loving each other through these journeys and only allowing positive energy in our home. We have also been surrounded by love from people we know and people we have never met and that has at times been overwhelming.
Read moreAnd It Rang Again
I am at this place in my life, where I have a love hate relationship with the phone. It keeps us in touch with people and for that I am grateful. It allows me to talk to my friends, family members, and others. However, lately it has also been the vehicle through which we have received challenging news. August 5th, Zoe got a call telling her that she had breast cancer. This morning, August 15th, she got a call letting her know she needs another biopsy because they found a lump in her right breast as well. In the midst of this all, I am consciously remaining grateful. I have had those moments when I find the tears rolling down my face and of course that means I have to blow my nose 17 times :(, however, it is the best I can do at this moment.
Read moreRemembering the Headlights
Zoe and I are starting on a new adventure as we learn about breast cancer and work our respective ways through this journey. As i have been thinking about how overwhelming it can be to think about how are we going to make me through this, I found myself thinking about something Jack Canfield spoke about in the movie "The Secret". He said, “Think of this, a car driving through the night. The headlights only show 100 to 200 feet ahead, and you can make it all the way from California to New York, driving through the dark because all you need to see is the next 200 feet.That’s how life tends to unfold before us.
Read moreSleepless in Rochester
So here I am at 3 something in the morning, unable to sleep. I have tossed and turned, prayed, meditated and cannot seem to maintain a sustained sleep. Perhaps it is because I was so mindful of Zoe's breathing and snoring. Perhaps it was because I was so mindful of her presence in the bed next to me. Perhaps it was because since this morning, I have been realizing how much I have taken for granted in my life and forgotten to be grateful for like her snoring.
We were sitting at the table at Target's waiting for my liftline bus when her cell phone rang. It was the doctor's office telling her the lump she had found in her chest was cancerous. I knew by the look on her face and the tone of her voice that something was wrong. After almost 10 years, you know these things.
Read moreAnswered Prayers
I have been meaning to sit down and journal about a few things for a few days. So while I am here doing other things on the site, I thought I would also write about answered prayers. It never ceases to amaze me how my prayers are answered. For example, summers are always tight financially as i go months without a paycheck at times. I was blessed this summer to have been given an additional course to teach. However, one week before my first summer paycheck came in, I was short $20 of purchasing another liftline pass so I could travel to campus and teach. I decided that somehow it was all going to be ok and I would find the money to do so, even if i paid in pennies for the next week. A few hours later, I got an email from someone who has owed me money for services rendered a long time ago. She had been underemployed and just began a new job. She wanted me to know she had just put a money order in the mail for $20. Prayer answered.
Then yesterday, I wrote my blog for the Zenful Kitchen and wrote about how I was going to invest in a good set of kitchen knives to assist me in becoming a better cook. A few hours later, one of my clients called me and asked me if I would like a set of chef's knives. I asked her if she had read my blog and she said no. I told her to read my blog and she would have my answer. Prayer answered.
Sunday morning meanderings
I just wanted to take a moment this morning to just be. I am sitting at my computer and everyone else in our home is asleep. In the quiet, I can hear the birds outside having a conversation with each other. I wonder are they saying, come eat, the feast is prepared because the bird feeder was refilled yesterday. When we feed them, do they understand and feel the love and gratitude we have for them. When we water the plants in our yard, are we doing it with an attitude of love or obligation. I am always amazed at how everytime I water them, I can see a rainbow in the water. I hope our plants feel the love and our concern for their health and well being. As I think about this, I am thinking I need to talk with Zoe about watering our grass. What are we saying when we do not -- we do not care for you. Just because others in our neighborhood do not water there lawns, does not make it ok for us to not water ours. It is time to show a little love to that which we look at everyday and have not been paying adequate attention to, other then to mow it.
I fell down and _________.
Sometimes I just have to laugh at myself, especially when I do not take my own advice. I am not sure where my brain was Thursday morning. It was obviously not in my head. Zoe and I went to the Public Market to do some shopping. After having a not so great veggie breakfast empanada, I decided to see if any of the little shops that are normally open on Saturdays in this indoor section were open on Thursday and sadly they were not. As I came back out, I failed to look for the curb cut and sailed off the curb in my wheelchair without my seat belt on and went flying landing on my hands and knees. It was one of those in slow motion moments. Before I knew it Zoe and a slew of men were there wanting to help me and make sure I was ok. Fortunately, I was fine and outside of a few sore areas in my knees and back (the two healthiest parts of my body -- lol) I was fine. The frustrating part was getting back on my feet. I knew what I needed to do. I was able to get my left foot on the ground. However, I had trouble communicating what I needed people to do with my right leg. Ultimately, I was able to communicate what I needed them to do to help me and my right foot was on the ground and I was back in my chair. So what did I learn from this great adventure. Well, for one I saw the love in Zoe's eyes and it was a blessing to know how after all these years she still loves me. I learned that I need to remember to stay in the present and be mindful of my surroundings. I am not sure what time zone I was in at that moment, but it was not the present. I was reminded that we all fall down. Sometimes we can get back up on our own. However, sometimes we need the help of others. The important thing is that we keep trying and that we do get back up again. And so I did, finished my shopping, and came home, and then left again to teach Queer Theory at SUNY Brockport. I wish I could thank all those who helped me get back up again. Hopefully, someone will be there for them as they were there for me.
It's been an Independence kind of year
I have been thinking about how much my life has changed this past year. In some respects I look like the same person, but internally, spiritually, emotionally, mentally, I have changed. Physically, I have also changed in ways that are visible and invisible. As Alice Walker's writing once taught me, "we are never the same river twice." Even by the time I finish this reflection I will physically be a new being. Cells will have died and others will be in their place. I still have things I am working on in my life, but changing the things I have agreed to in my life have created a more peaceful, loving and energizing world. Everything in my life is being or has been decluttered. I am making myself a priority because I am worth it. From coloring my hair burgundy with red and purple highlights this weekend to buying new and nice clothes to releasing relationships with were energy draining it has been about sharon loving sharon. So today as I get ready for our 4th of July BBQ, I am celebrating my independence from all that which weighed me down and was zapping my energy. Free at last, free at last, thank you Creator, I am free at last.
It's Time for a Change!
So this past year has been an amazing journey for me! Inspiritual will be one year old at the end of this month. Whoo hoo! I have grown by leaps and bounds in my own journey. I hope some of the people who have been journeying with me have grown as well. I have seen several of my clients transform before my eyes. While I am excited for them, I am excited about my own growth and evolution. I have gotten rid of the majority of my black clothes. I have gone from wearing the cheapest things I could buy, which fell apart fairly quickly to investing in a few things which look awesome, are bright and colorful and which say to the world -- "I love myself." I have been losing weight, eating healthy, getting out in the sun more, doing all kinds of things that are good for me. Yesterday, I got my hair styled. After 10 years of shaving my head, I decided to let my hair grow out and so I told my stylist let's do this. I am going back to see her today to get it colored -- goodbye grey -- nothing wrong with the grey -- but I am not a grey kind of gurl -- so brown and burgundy it is :) What does the song say -- I feel good, I knew that I would, now So good, so good, I got me (ok, i know it says you, but this is my song today). It is going to be a great day!